Writings and Psychic Insight
I have been truly in love three times in my life. Each love affair was deep and passionate with a great deal of yearning. As I grew older and fell in love, I learned that it would take me places I thought I would never go. I always assumed it was the other person that needed to catch up to me. In truth, it was me that needed to catch up to them.
Do Not Flee (unless your inner red flag waves fiercely for your safety)
This is one of the hardest lessons I have learned and am continuing to learn around love. I am the type to flee at the first sign of trouble as a way of not dealing with my shit. It has left me lonely, empty, and alone. Only recently was I able to see this reoccurring obstacle to having a relationship.
My girlfriend and I started dating this past summer after years of random spottings and dance floor make-out sessions. It happened when my friends let me know she was single, regardless of anything I saw on her Facebook. I took the leap and stepped up and we have been dating ever since.
But....there was a moment we almost didn't. It was meant to be a fun night that turned disastrous and I almost flew out the door. Red flags were flying but something was telling me not to run. Not to do what I always do. To stay. I had this odd knowingness that staying was the thing to do. It was the healing.
It was rough for a few days, but forgiveness kicked in, and it lead to an incredible love affair. It was about staying and communicating. It was about giving the other person a chance to speak and be apart of a decision. Typically, I would call it, stun them, and fly out the door. If was worth the risk. It was worth staying. It was worth taking the chance. No one is perfect.
You Gotta Make Love About You Too
It is so easy to have a relationship and make it about the other person. What do they want? How do they feel? What do they need in this moment? How can I be better for them? It is a way of deflecting attention from yourself. It is a way of avoiding your feelings.
The second woman I loved, we were back and forth for years. Each time, we learned something new and brought it into the relationship. In the beginning I was all about her and I even needed her to bring out my orgasm for her pleasure. I did anything humanly possible to ensure she loved and wanted me. When we broke up, I remembered myself, my needs and desires.
This the second time we got back together I felt love in a deep intense manner because I was more connected to myself. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't afraid to say it. That meant moving to San Francisco without her because she wasn't ready to make that leap and I was.
The third time we got together, because I was now fully accustomed to making sure my needs were met after taking care of me on the westcoast, I was able to voice them to her. If there was a problem, I spoke it out loud, no longer afraid of her leaving and not loving me. In the end, because "I" wasn't apart of her equation as much as I incorporated her into mine, it ended for good. I loved her, but I loved myself more.
In all relationships and in love you have to remember that it is about YOU as much as them. You can not engage all your attention in one direction or you will see you are left with not much love at all. That connection with yourself, allows you to experience love deeply. You can only give to others what you can give to yourself. Just saying.
Surrender and Let Go
I sometimes think I am always right. I have the best plan. The best idea. I know which way to go. While in love, thinking like that will crack a hole in all your perfection images. It did to me.
My second girlfriend, first love, towards the end would get very frustrated. She would says things and mention how often she said them. At the end, she wrote a letter telling me how she felt and why we should breakup. She got scared and ran. I understand and have compassion for that now. She was right though. I wasn't always the best.
It was in realizing this that I discovered more of who I am. Perfect and imperfect. Neither sides of me are wrong but it takes strength to be open enough to show your weak points to your partner. To say, I'm not always the best me.
Years later, I am able to see that part of myself and check it when need be. Also laugh at myself! But the greatest gift I have gotten from that is a closeness with my identity. That ability to be close and see my 'dark side' and 'good side' has allowed me to see it in others and have forgiveness. I don't take it so seriously. That's just them. This is just me. It makes loving so much easier and accessible.
These are a few lessons I have learned from my life in love. What about you? What have you learned about love? What do you want in love?